a family recipe not fit for human consumption.
My uncle Brad considers himself a chef of sorts. In his younger years, he served as a cook in the navy or at least that’s how it was explained to me by other relatives. I can testify (and I’m not sure why I’m being subpoenaed to court as a witness on this) that my uncle indeed loves cooking almost as much as loves only wearing a white t-shirt and his Fruit of the Looms briefs around the house when company is over. My uncle cooks food like he’s a contestant on Chopped but every ingredient in his basket is the bad ingredient.
Chopped Host: Your ingredients are canned mushrooms, molasses, and generic processed cheese singles.
Uncle Brad: I’ll make spaghetti!
I want to share with everyone his signature dish called, Bachelor’s Banquet. My only ask is not that you refrain from sharing this recipe with others out of fear that I may face consequences for giving away intellectual property, but rather out of fear that you may try this meal and face consequences of poor culinary risk taking.
First, he makes a tuna sandwich. Fairly straightforward. Bread, tuna, bread; tuna fish sandwich. Next, he heats up a pan and melts half a stick of butter — not to grill the sandwich though — that goes in the microwave with one Kraft single on top for a full minute. In the pan, he empties and sauté’s (his words) one full can of creamed corn. I didn’t know you could use creamed corn and sauté in the same sentence, but here we are.
Remember the sandwich in the microwave? That comes out and then he pours ALL OF the buttery creamed corn on top of the TUNA sandwich, places a different colored processed cheese slice on top of it all and then microwaves for another minutes to “really marry the flavors together.”
I have never eaten this monstrosity before as is evident by my living body writing this today, but if you love trying horrible things or just hate your taste buds, I have shared the recipe and photographic evidence that this exists below. If you make this, please share in the comments what it was like and also sign and send in a boilerplate Hold Harmless agreement before you begin.
INGREDIENTS
- 2 slices of white bread (whatever you can find at the Franz bakery outlet)
- 1 can of tuna. Whatever kind, it isn’t going to matter.
- Half stick of unsalted butter haha jk any butter or margarine really.
- 1 yellow plastic wrapped slice of processed cheese
- 1 white plastic wrapped slice of processed cheese
- 14.75oz can of creamed corn
- Mayonnaise
DIRECTIONS
1. Drain the can of tuna in the sick. Or don’t. I’m not sure it will make a difference here.
2. In a bowl, mix the tuna and 2 heaping spoons full of mayo. Salt and pepper to taste.
3. Spread tuna over bread and place your sandwich on any microwave safe plate from before the turn of the century.
4. Place one cheese slice on sandwich and microwave for 60 seconds.
5. In large pan on medium heat, melt butter and add creamed corn. Let simmer uncovered for a few minutes.
6. Take sandwich out of microwave. Pout all the creamed corn stuff on the sandwich. Add remaining slice of cheese and microwave for another 60 seconds.
7. Leave out on counter untouched for entire day and offer it to any relatives who come by to visit their dad for every 15–20 minutes that they’re within earshot of you.
