Late Morning Pages Because I Keep Waking Up Late Because I Keep Staying Up to Late and I Want to Keep Practicing My Art, Which is Writing. Which is What I am Doing Now.
I do not know what Cascara Berry is and I refuse to look it up but it’s the flavor of this new energy drink in my hand and the marketing on this can is something to behold. First off, the top of the can says, “Be your greatest of all time.” Which is important for reasons I’ll share later.
Secondly, in a different font from above, we see the flavor of this drink — Cascara Berry. That mysterious (possibly fictional) berry we all know and love. “Mom, we ALWAYS by strawberry jelly. I want CASCARA,” we’d all complain to our parents when we were 8. Next, in a (you guessed if) third font style, we have what I believe is a strong contender for the name of this product, “BE GOAT,” with a polygon constructed goat head behind it.
Remember the phrase at the top of the can? Imagine someone who has never heard of G.O.A.T. as an acronym for “Greatest of All Time.” They see this can, “Be GOAT” with a polygon goat behind it and will absolutely think, “I don’t know about this, I don’t want to become a goat. Wait, CASCARA BEERY!? I mean, I have to try that. That’s my all time favorite childhood berry!” So, better clear up that potential confusion with a slogan at the top of the can. Hence, “Be your greatest of all time.”
Moving on.
Below “BE GOAT,” there is a possible second brand name or maybe just the first instance of telling me what the fuck this is a can OF.
“Clean Energy.”
What’s that? You wish it was written in a fourth different font? You better sit down because I’ve got some exciting news for you.
Next up, right below — okay real quick I’m going to just let you know (and this is not hyperbole) that there are easily 15 different font styles on this can. So under “Clean Energy” is some. . . math?
“Cascara + Beverage.” Is that what all drinks are? Flavor + Beverage? This serves no purpose other than to work out the math that most of us do automatically when we see a drink in the beverage isle. Who needs this printed on a can? “Woah, a can! And it has. . .liquid in it? What!? Oh wait, Cascara + Beverage. Okay, I drink this. This is a beverage for me to drink with Cascara included. Which makes sense because that is a well established berry that I definitely love.”
Below this math is some more important consumer information:
25 Calories | 200mg Caffeine
Calories? Don’t care. But the caffeine? That’s the first useful bit of information for me on this can so far. It also says that this can contains Antioxidants and Polyphenols and my mind goes, “Oh good that must be what I need because it’s printed on the can as a benefit.” Let’s be honest here, if this can said, “Antioxidants and NO Polyphenols,” you’d think, “Oh good, I hate Polyphenols. They're terrible for you!” The truth is, polyphenols ARE antioxidants — not two separate things.
After all this, I have finally caved in and looked up Cascara Berry. It’s the fruit that is discarded when harvesting what’s inside — the coffee bean. This drink’s whole deal as a clean energy drink (an industry that seems to be positioned as a coffee alternative) is derived from coffee. You know what has a lot of caffeine and energy in it? Coffee. Do you know what is loaded with polyphenols? Also coffee. This can used 15 different fonts, 2 different Names, Math, “multiple” benefits, all to cover up the simple truth that is cold, bubbly, tart “coffee.” With more caffeine than a can of RedBull or an average cup of coffee.
I don’t know how to end this but this beverage tasted so mid that the only thing it has going for it is the large dose of caffeine coupled with the creative inspiration it provided for me to rant about it for an hour on paper. Truly making me feel in this moment that I am being my greatest of all time.
