My Not Super Accurate Tomato Soup Recipe.

Chase Roper
3 min readFeb 2, 2022

CW: Self Harm.

Good news, you don’t have to read 3 paragraphs about my child hood memories surrounding tomato soup. I don’t have any. Here is the recipe.

Ingredients you will need:

  • 6 on the vine tomatoes.
  • 6 Roma tomatoes (look I’m not a tomato authority. I only barely started liking them this YEAR. Get what you like.)
  • 2 onions diced
  • Bell peppers and chilis optional
  • 1 entire bulb of garlic
  • Fresh thyme
  • Fresh Rosemary
  • Fresh basil leaves
  • 3 whole bay leaves
  • Chicken Stock (or vegetable stock. Just use a stock.)
  • Can of coconut milk. Unsweetened. Not that Lopez stuff for drink. Think Curry.
  • Small can of tomato paste (this is. mistake fixer)

Throw the diced onions and peeled garlic cloves into a big pot on a low medium (plugging the site, Medium send me free things) heat until translucent. Sometimes you see people online who don’t even peel the garlic. They just chop off the end and throw the bulb in there. Then when it’s ready, they take it out and SQUEEEEZE the garlic out of the bulb. We’ve all seen this. It looks weird, burns your hand. Stop it.

Add all of the tomatoes some fresh thyme, rosemary and basil if you want. All that good stuff and a little salt. Go light on the salt until the last few steps so you can taste as you go.

Now, add those bell peppers and chilis if you decided to be a cool person. Keep covered on a low simmer for about 25–30min.

Now is a great time to make some bacon crumbles and prep some grilled cheeses and I invite you to find your own recipes somewhere for these. This post isn’t called “My Not Super Accurate Tomato Soup Recipe Plus, Guess What? Bonus Recipe for Grilled Cheese and Bacon Crumbles.”

By now everything should be all sweated down and mushy. When you take the lid off of the pop, your house is going to smell amazing. Be ready. Now it’s time to BLEND BABYYYYY. Get out the handheld immersion blender that your wife got you for your birthday (or any blender that can handle all of this) and blend it all up until it looks all, I don’t know, like soup 🤷🏻‍♂️

Time to strain out the hard bits. There’s going to be cartilage type stuff in there and hard strands of crap. I don’t know what they’re called. I’m not a tomato scientist. That stuff isn’t fun to eat so do your best to strain it out. I use a slotted spoon. Sometimes I try a mesh strainer but the soup is thick so that takes forever. One day I’ll buy the right equipment. You really need a blender for this. I should probably have mentioned that right at the beginning. Hope you weren’t just cooking and following along without reading all the way through. Enjoy your pile of mushy tomatoes.

Now everything should be back in the pot on the stove on that low medium heat. Add the broth a little at a time. You don’t want it too thin because you’re adding a whole can of coconut milk in here. If it looks really thin, you fucked up. Time to add that backup can of tomato paste. Cooking isn’t science. I mean it literally is but like, also it isn’t.

Now throw in 3 bay leaves and cover it for another 20 minutes so all the flavors can marry and the bay leaves can do their secret bay leave magic-ness.

Get those grilled cheese sandwiches done. If you’re not using sourdough bread, stop reading this, get in your car and drive into oncoming traffic (I bet you were wondering when the content warning would come into play.)

Ok, fish out those bay leaves (remember there were THREE) and you’re ready to serve.

I like to top mine with a little pesto, bacon crumbles and some parmigiana. Do what thou whilst.

There. Dip the sandwich, eat the soup.

Adam Driver memes for everyone.

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Chase Roper

Chase has written for Earwolf blog, LaughSpin, jokes for Life & Style Mag and Today Show Blog.