Morning Pages 6/28/23

Chase is laying on the couch in his living room. Right leg in a brace and elevated. Recovering after a surgery the day before yesterday. Sure, just describing it at “two days ago” may have been more efficient. It happened Monday, and today is Wednesday. So there, I’ve wasted even more time describing this. Slightly out of his reach is a plethora of drugs. Ibuprofen for the swelling, chewable baby aspirin to prevent clotting (?), lisinopril for his blood pressure, citalopram for his feelings, and Vicodin to keep him from crying.

Next to him on the couch is his cat sleeping curled up and cozy on his wife Nicole’s feet. That would be Chase’s wife. The cat remains unmarried. Nicole was discharged from the hospital on Sunday afternoon after having been admitted threes day earlier for concerns over MS. An MRI confirmed Optical Neuritis and explained the symptoms she was suffering. While Chase felt it would be best to reschedule his planned surgery, given the absolute dependence he would have on her, Nicole insisted that they figure out a way to make it work.

“I feel guilty,” Chase writes in his morning pages. This time using a blogging app on his phone instead of the moleskin under his pillow in the bedroom. Which may as well be miles away. “Nicole needs my support and instead I am stuck on the couch and have to ask her for my every need to be met this week. Anything I request is an exhausting challenge for her. She doesn’t complain. But I know it’s hard, painful and that she’s Really going through it. I can’t imagine being diagnosed with MS.”

Chase’s eyelids feel heavy and begin closing for “longer-than-planned blinks. Likely the narcotic that he swallowed sat 5:30am just before he decided to begin his morning pages rather than fall back asleep.

“I need ice for my knee but I can’t wake her up and ask for it. She would do it but I feel so much guilt adding to her burden. I wish I was able to get up and move around without crutches. It’s going to be a long week. And I’m going to write more here. Jesus th we meds kicked in quickly.”